Human connection. We are connecting to people all the time. Yet, many feel lonely. You can walk down the street, smile at everyone and have everyone smile back at you. You can go to work and have everyone smile at you. You can go on Facebook and see that your last post of your selfie or inspirational quote received over 100 likes. You can receive compliments on your outfit and new hair style. You can go out and grab drinks with co-workers. You can chat with people online or offline all day long. Yet, you may still be lonely. Why?
Ever since we are born, we seem to be accumulating stuff. We began accumulating toys, clothes, books, pictures, crafts and movies. We witnessed everyone else around us accumulating stuff too — everything from purses to cars, from jewelry to decorations, and from games to tools. It seems like stuff was always a big big part of life.
Buying stuff and seeking new stuff to buy has become a hobby or a habit that many don’t consciously realize they have. Always waiting for the new ads to come out to see what’s on sale. Yearning to replace something for something better — like a smaller TV for a bigger one or an old car for the newest model.
Whenever you watch TV, scroll around social media, or listen to the radio you are faced with a constant barrage of manipulative ads that are trying to encourage you to buy something. They use means that make you feel small, unworthy or unattractive unless you have this product or that one. Even news stations, both radio and TV, report with excitement the newest products that have been recently released.
These is so much emphasis on STUFF that we are actually manipulated to be a part of the accumulating society. We feel the pressure from friends, social media posts, family and even the government.
With all this focus on things every since we have been children, it’s easy to understand why we are in the state we are. It’s become a part of us. When something is a part of us, it is very hard to let go — especially it’s a part of almost every area of who we are. Stuff has become a part of our daily thought process, our emotional state as we become emotionally attached to our stuff, our worth, and so on.
Think about how hard it is to let go of your things. It’s draining! You have to talk yourself into it, deal with your emotions, deal with others not understanding why and then if you do get rid of something you are wanting to replace it with something else.
All of this stuff has been robbing us of so much and we don’t often realize it until its too late — if we even realize it at all.
- Think of all the time you have to work to buy your stuff. All of that time could have been spent with your family, friends, helping others or doing something else that makes you feel good deep down.
- Think about all of the money you spent on your stuff. What else could you have done with that?
- Think about all of the times you used stuff to make you look better, when you really wish that people recognized who you were as a person instead.
- Think about how stuff is used to make others feel worse than others. “Mine is better than yours” simply divides people instead of bringing them together.
- Think of all the time you need to take care of your stuff. Cleaning, maintaining, and repairing. This time could be better spent in some way.
- Think about some of the items you cling too and they bring back miserable memories that make you feel sad or angry.
- Think of how long you study about a product instead of learning about a new friend.
- Think about how rich you are making big corporations while you are struggling day to day.
- Think about how much trash all of this stuff creates.
- Think about all of the pollution that is caused by all of the stuff that is produced.
- Think about how much time you spend looking for the person outfit, phone, car, jewelry, or something other item. How much time throughout your life have you spent doing this. This time could have been spent learning, helping, bonding or experiencing something amazing about life.
- Think about how this stuff does not care about you.
- Think about how this stuff takes up so much space in your dwelling.
- Think about this: Would you rather someone admire you because you are excellent at doing something or because you own something really cool? Think about this deep down, not on the surface level.
- Think about how less you would feel stress.
- Think about this: All of that stuff you have spent so much time and money on buying — is that the stuff you would want to write a book about to share with your grandchildren one day? Or would you rather share them stories of experiences in your life. Would you want to create a movie showing others your stuff or your experiences?
- Think about how all of this stuff takes you away from the dreams that you have in your heart.
Of course, stuff is nice and does have a place. There is nothing wrong with having beautiful furniture, nice clothes, great books, pictures, and other items that bring us some joy and comfort. It’s when this stuff takes up too much of our time, focus, emotions, money and other resources that can be spent in better ways that will bring better fulfillment in our lives.
If only we were trained to be more aware of our connections with others instead of desiring more things. Imagine how the quality of our relationships would improve. Imagine how much less tension we would all experience.
Think about your relationship with stuff and be honest with yourself. If it has been and is taking you away from a better life, it’s time for a change. Changes, of course, can be challenging. But you can certainly do it! Sometimes you may need help. So ask a friend, a family member or you can ask me. You can also subscribe to my newsletter for tips that only my newsletter subscribers receive.
It’s time to invest less in stuff and to invest in yourself!!
Romantic relationship beliefs that can hurt you.
Your thoughts matter. What you believe about romantic relationships is very important, especially if you want to be in a romantic relationship or you are in one. What you believe affects the relationship in many different ways. It affects how you feel about it, the actions you make, how you get along, how you fight, the way you express yourself, your commitment level and so on.
Many people do not consciously reflect on what they believe about relationships. They simply go into relationships without having a clue that their deep seated beliefs are affecting every aspect of their relationship. Is this you? Do you know what you believe?
Here are 10 examples of common beliefs about romantic relationships that can hurt you:
- A relationship will make me feel secure and safe.
- A relationship will make me feel less lonely.
- A relationship will help me feel more confident.
- A relationship will fill this void I feel inside.
- I will be more happy when I am in a relationship.
- Relationships are hard work.
- Relationships always let me down.
- Relationships lead to heartache.
- Relationships are not for me.
- Relationships make me feel like I belong.
Are your beliefs hurting you? Are your beliefs hurting your relationships?
Like I stated above, your beliefs affect your relationships. They can either benefit or challenge your relationships. How they affect your relationships, depends on your partner, where the beliefs stem from and how they connect with other beliefs.
For example, one of my clients (I will call him Dominick), believed that he would feel more secure when he was in a relationship. This is a common belief. When he met his free-spirited girlfriend, he fell for her fast and made a quick commitment. He felt a sense of security – but only for a little while. Two month’s later, he started to feel scared that he would lose her. Whenever she went to work or out with friends he began to fear that she would find someone else and leave him. He only felt secure when they were together. This tore apart their relationship. He called her constantly while she was away to make sure he was still “secure”. He always needed reassurance. Dominick was viewed as clingy and this pushed his girlfriend away. He called me at this time. We uncovered that he was still suffering from abandonment issues which made him feel unsafe and insecure and he created this belief which put a lot of pressure on his partners to make him feel secure.
Another one of my clients, who I will call Sara, also believed that a relationship would make her feel secure. So, she when she met her boyfriend, she also committed fast and they were married within 6 months. She seen warning signs of abuse, but she moved forward because she felt secure being in the relationship even though she was not safe. She remained married for 2 years but endured verbal abuse and cheating. Sara called near the end of her marriage. She did not feel strong enough to leave the abuse. So, we came to discover that she was lacking self-esteem and felt a little lost in the world. She felt like she needed to know her place in every area of her life. This made her feel secure. She stayed in jobs that were overworking her and in relationships that were unhealthy, just to feel secure – like she belonged.
In both of these examples, their beliefs were destroying themselves and hindered their chances at healthy relationships.
What about you? What do you believe about relationships? How have they affected how you seek a partner and how you behave in relationships?
You can change your beliefs and how you behave in relationships.
One of the amazing things about being human is the potential for change. You can change your appearance, put on weight, take off weight. You can change your career. You can change your hair. You can change your emotions. Also, you can change your thoughts and beliefs. You can improve your relationships.
From the examples above, Dominick and Sara both changed their beliefs to more beneficial beliefs that changed the way they behave in relationships. I am happy to say they are both in healthy relationships now. 🙂
Your thoughts matter in relationships! Check in with your relationship beliefs and make sure they are working for you instead of against you. Of course, if you need coaching, I specialize in helping people retrain the way they think, feel and behave. I have been coaching singles and couples for over 18 years and I have witnessed so many transformations. So, I know you can change too!
Joanne Cipressi, CHt, CNLP
Life and Relationship Coach