All too often women are betraying other women in obvious and subtle ways. A woman may flirt with someone else’s partner, because it makes her feel pretty or important. She may try to capture another man’s attention while walking past him even though he’s holding his partner’s hand. These little betrayals of respect happen everyday and tend to be habits of certain women with disregard to the other woman. They are looking for a cheap little thrill of attention to feel good and then move onto the next man – though the sting is still real for the partner’s woman.
You spend the majority amount of your time at work, so building bonds with the people you work with is natural and normal. Many people build friendships with their co-workers since they learn so much about each other while working on projects, sharing coffee, and perhaps even lunches.
But, what if you see that you may have a crush on a co-worker? Crushes happen and usually without you realizing it. One day you are enjoying each other’s company innocently, sharing lunches, quick break together, and perhaps after work outings, then all of sudden you begin to think about spending more time with them – time alone, how do they kiss, what a good partner they would be, wishing they were single and you were too….and then perhaps dreaming about having a fling. This can cause a PR disaster or cause havoc at work!! Not to mention, it can cause problems with your own emotional state, your thoughts and your work, as well as cause issues with their partner and yours. Having a coworker crush rarely leads to anywhere healthy.
So, how can you tell early on if you are developing a coworker crush? Here are some signs:
- You desire to spend more alone time together. You don’t simply want a break from the crazy work life, but you think about the next time you can have coffee or tea with this person, the next chance you can get alone to talk a walk with them, and dream about having dinner and drinks alone with them and no one else.
- If you are single, you won’t date anyone else because there is no one better than your coworker and you hope he will notice you that way.
- You try to impress him or her with stories about your life and yourself.
- You keep checking your messages to see if they returned yours.
- You begin to dress up more for work and walk by him or her to be sure you are noticed.
- You find reasons to schedule one on one meetings with them. Even worse, you find ways to organize business trips or “outing” with just them.
- You miss them when you are not at work or are sad when they are not at work.
- You feel jealous or upset when they talk about their partner.
- You wont talk about your partner with them.
- You organize a happy hour just to hang out with them.
- You have not told you partner about him or her.
- You find yourself daydreaming about him or her.
- You talk about him or her to your friends – often.
- When you are on vacation from work, you are thinking about him and think about messaging him more than anyone else.
- You find yourself checking out their partner on social media.
- You avoid being around whenever their partner is around or you act differently when their partner is around.
- You try to find ways to do more intimate things together, like exercise, run, cook together, movies, or other things that normally couples do.
- You want to closer to him when walking and even desire to hold hands.
- You sometimes feel nervous around him or her. Your stomach has butterflies when you see them.
- You check out his body all the time.
Do you see these signs in yourself? Having one or two may not mean that you have a crush, but I would find it safe that if you are hear reading this article, then you have a crush on your coworker. What do you do now? That depends.
Are you both single? Or is one in a relationship? Does the coworker return the feelings? What are you relationship rules of your company? There are many factors. But, to be blunt, if either of you are in a relationship or the rules of the business prohibit dating, then your best bet is to stay away from this person. Distance yourself. Become more involved in your relationship or begin dating again.
Also realize one more thing, you are crushing on someone that you think you know. What people portray to be at work and in work friendships are not who they will be when dating or when having a fling with. Trust me, it will all get messy if you move forward with your crush. Your emotions and mental state will be a disaster!
If you need help in overcoming your feelings and moving into a healthy relationship or rekindling the one you are in, I can help you with this. Reach out! My contact information is on the side.
Romantic relationship beliefs that can hurt you.
Your thoughts matter. What you believe about romantic relationships is very important, especially if you want to be in a romantic relationship or you are in one. What you believe affects the relationship in many different ways. It affects how you feel about it, the actions you make, how you get along, how you fight, the way you express yourself, your commitment level and so on.
Many people do not consciously reflect on what they believe about relationships. They simply go into relationships without having a clue that their deep seated beliefs are affecting every aspect of their relationship. Is this you? Do you know what you believe?
Here are 10 examples of common beliefs about romantic relationships that can hurt you:
- A relationship will make me feel secure and safe.
- A relationship will make me feel less lonely.
- A relationship will help me feel more confident.
- A relationship will fill this void I feel inside.
- I will be more happy when I am in a relationship.
- Relationships are hard work.
- Relationships always let me down.
- Relationships lead to heartache.
- Relationships are not for me.
- Relationships make me feel like I belong.
Are your beliefs hurting you? Are your beliefs hurting your relationships?
Like I stated above, your beliefs affect your relationships. They can either benefit or challenge your relationships. How they affect your relationships, depends on your partner, where the beliefs stem from and how they connect with other beliefs.
For example, one of my clients (I will call him Dominick), believed that he would feel more secure when he was in a relationship. This is a common belief. When he met his free-spirited girlfriend, he fell for her fast and made a quick commitment. He felt a sense of security – but only for a little while. Two month’s later, he started to feel scared that he would lose her. Whenever she went to work or out with friends he began to fear that she would find someone else and leave him. He only felt secure when they were together. This tore apart their relationship. He called her constantly while she was away to make sure he was still “secure”. He always needed reassurance. Dominick was viewed as clingy and this pushed his girlfriend away. He called me at this time. We uncovered that he was still suffering from abandonment issues which made him feel unsafe and insecure and he created this belief which put a lot of pressure on his partners to make him feel secure.
Another one of my clients, who I will call Sara, also believed that a relationship would make her feel secure. So, she when she met her boyfriend, she also committed fast and they were married within 6 months. She seen warning signs of abuse, but she moved forward because she felt secure being in the relationship even though she was not safe. She remained married for 2 years but endured verbal abuse and cheating. Sara called near the end of her marriage. She did not feel strong enough to leave the abuse. So, we came to discover that she was lacking self-esteem and felt a little lost in the world. She felt like she needed to know her place in every area of her life. This made her feel secure. She stayed in jobs that were overworking her and in relationships that were unhealthy, just to feel secure – like she belonged.
In both of these examples, their beliefs were destroying themselves and hindered their chances at healthy relationships.
What about you? What do you believe about relationships? How have they affected how you seek a partner and how you behave in relationships?
You can change your beliefs and how you behave in relationships.
One of the amazing things about being human is the potential for change. You can change your appearance, put on weight, take off weight. You can change your career. You can change your hair. You can change your emotions. Also, you can change your thoughts and beliefs. You can improve your relationships.
From the examples above, Dominick and Sara both changed their beliefs to more beneficial beliefs that changed the way they behave in relationships. I am happy to say they are both in healthy relationships now. 🙂
Your thoughts matter in relationships! Check in with your relationship beliefs and make sure they are working for you instead of against you. Of course, if you need coaching, I specialize in helping people retrain the way they think, feel and behave. I have been coaching singles and couples for over 18 years and I have witnessed so many transformations. So, I know you can change too!
Joanne Cipressi, CHt, CNLP
Life and Relationship Coach