Romantic relationship beliefs that can hurt you.
Your thoughts matter. What you believe about romantic relationships is very important, especially if you want to be in a romantic relationship or you are in one. What you believe affects the relationship in many different ways. It affects how you feel about it, the actions you make, how you get along, how you fight, the way you express yourself, your commitment level and so on.
Many people do not consciously reflect on what they believe about relationships. They simply go into relationships without having a clue that their deep seated beliefs are affecting every aspect of their relationship. Is this you? Do you know what you believe?
Here are 10 examples of common beliefs about romantic relationships that can hurt you:
- A relationship will make me feel secure and safe.
- A relationship will make me feel less lonely.
- A relationship will help me feel more confident.
- A relationship will fill this void I feel inside.
- I will be more happy when I am in a relationship.
- Relationships are hard work.
- Relationships always let me down.
- Relationships lead to heartache.
- Relationships are not for me.
- Relationships make me feel like I belong.
Are your beliefs hurting you? Are your beliefs hurting your relationships?
Like I stated above, your beliefs affect your relationships. They can either benefit or challenge your relationships. How they affect your relationships, depends on your partner, where the beliefs stem from and how they connect with other beliefs.
For example, one of my clients (I will call him Dominick), believed that he would feel more secure when he was in a relationship. This is a common belief. When he met his free-spirited girlfriend, he fell for her fast and made a quick commitment. He felt a sense of security – but only for a little while. Two month’s later, he started to feel scared that he would lose her. Whenever she went to work or out with friends he began to fear that she would find someone else and leave him. He only felt secure when they were together. This tore apart their relationship. He called her constantly while she was away to make sure he was still “secure”. He always needed reassurance. Dominick was viewed as clingy and this pushed his girlfriend away. He called me at this time. We uncovered that he was still suffering from abandonment issues which made him feel unsafe and insecure and he created this belief which put a lot of pressure on his partners to make him feel secure.
Another one of my clients, who I will call Sara, also believed that a relationship would make her feel secure. So, she when she met her boyfriend, she also committed fast and they were married within 6 months. She seen warning signs of abuse, but she moved forward because she felt secure being in the relationship even though she was not safe. She remained married for 2 years but endured verbal abuse and cheating. Sara called near the end of her marriage. She did not feel strong enough to leave the abuse. So, we came to discover that she was lacking self-esteem and felt a little lost in the world. She felt like she needed to know her place in every area of her life. This made her feel secure. She stayed in jobs that were overworking her and in relationships that were unhealthy, just to feel secure – like she belonged.
In both of these examples, their beliefs were destroying themselves and hindered their chances at healthy relationships.
What about you? What do you believe about relationships? How have they affected how you seek a partner and how you behave in relationships?
You can change your beliefs and how you behave in relationships.
One of the amazing things about being human is the potential for change. You can change your appearance, put on weight, take off weight. You can change your career. You can change your hair. You can change your emotions. Also, you can change your thoughts and beliefs. You can improve your relationships.
From the examples above, Dominick and Sara both changed their beliefs to more beneficial beliefs that changed the way they behave in relationships. I am happy to say they are both in healthy relationships now. 🙂
Your thoughts matter in relationships! Check in with your relationship beliefs and make sure they are working for you instead of against you. Of course, if you need coaching, I specialize in helping people retrain the way they think, feel and behave. I have been coaching singles and couples for over 18 years and I have witnessed so many transformations. So, I know you can change too!
Joanne Cipressi, CHt, CNLP
Life and Relationship Coach