Nine years ago this morning, I was sexually assaulted by a police officer in my home after I called 911 for help. It was one of the hardest situations that I ever had to deal with in my life.
I called 911 because my ex-boyfriend showed up drunk at my house, expressing he wanted me back and missed me. I asked him to leave and he began throwing things. So, I called 911 for help. This was about 3 am in the morning.
When the officer arrived, he seemed nice and caring. He was polite and friendly. He expressed concern for me and eventually removed my ex from my property. However, afterward he removed my ex, the police officer came back into my house and told me to get naked. I won’t get into more details from here, but it was a horrible night and continues to shake me to this day.
I was sexually assaulted as a child by my stepfather for years, as well as by other men that should have been trusted in my life. I never told on them until my father read my diary and told my mother. Even then, I never pressed the issue to move forward with reporting anyone to the authorities because I was scared. I swore that if anything ever happened to me again, I would report them. I even told this police officer this. But, apparently he did not take me seriously.
About noon, on this day nine years ago, I was sitting in a police station surrounded by police officers and men from the district attorney’s office. Scared. Alone. But, knowing I had to speak up before this police officer hurt someone else like he hurt me. I had to reply what happened over and over again to them. It was so hard.
See, I also don’t have family, besides my two daughters. My mother gave me away at age 13 and is still living with my stepfather — yes the man that molested me as a child. Yes, she knows. So, basically, I don’t have a mother. I lost my entire family. In fact, after this cop sexually assaulted me, I called my mom for the first time in years and asked if I could hide at her house because I was scared that he might come back to hurt me. Did she step up to finally protect me? No. She ignored me. So, I was alone with two little girls dealing with this situation.
I stayed at a friend’s house and felt like I was being followed and watched. So, I left in the middle of the night because I was freaking out and did not want anyone to see me break down. I went back home and put chairs, buckets full of water and brooms in front of all my doors. I slept with a hammer next to me in bed. I was scared so much.
I had to find a way to protect my daughters. I was so scared for them. So, my ex-husband kept them for a few days. But, when they returned home, I had to put on a strong face while being over protective of my older daughter without her being aware. She was 7. I actually went to the school to talk to her teacher and the principle to make sure they do not let any cops take her from school. I had to explain to them what happened. It was horrible. My three year old was home with me and I had to try my best to not send her any unhealthy energy from what happened.
Walking through town was hard because people don’t understand. They judge and put cops on pedestals. Every time I saw a cop, I cringed, cried and was so scared. I still get scared when I see cop cars.
I felt like I could not work. I was a life coach and had a thriving practice. But, now I was falling apart, so how I can help others at this time. So for over a year I decided not to work. I became broke and almost homeless. I was calling homeless shelters because I had no one to turn to and was scared that I would need to be prepared.
Things became so bad for me and I was all alone dealing with it. At the same time, I was attending depositions with the district attorney, going to lawyer meetings and going through sentencing for the cop. He was sentenced to jail and served time. He is thankfully no longer a cop.
Throughout this experience, I became aware that there was a larger corruption going on in my town with the politicians and the police officers. This made me more scared, but more determined to do something. I tried. But, it was challenging doing it all alone. People would approach me to help with their causes, but I learned many of them were selfish and they seen me as an avenue to get their messages out. No one really cared about what happened to me. No one reached out to me to see if I was okay — except for a few random people who quickly faded.
Eventually, I realized that I needed to pick myself up and not let this situation have power over me. I had two daughters that needed me. So, I learned how to heal, how to face the fear, how to be around people who misjudge you, how to just keep moving despite the lack of care of others. I learned that you really need to love yourself and see the bigger picture in life. I also learned about compassion and empathy for those that just have no idea and are quick to judge. I learned a lot.
Fortunately for me, I learned these lessons as a child when my family abandoned me for my step father that molested from ages 7 to 10. I also learned these lessons from the foster families that tried to abuse me or stole from me. So, I knew how to heal because I had the experience in the past. I already knew how to rely only on myself because I had to do it in the past. I knew that I am the only person that is going to bring me out of this situation because I had to do in the past.
I can write and talk about this for weeks. You would be shocked and amazed by my stories. But, the message always ends up the same. Regardless of your past, you can enjoy your life now. It is up to you as an individual to climb, to work, to heal, to thrive, to keep moving, to stand up for what is right, to believe in yourself, to find a way, and to love yourself. You deserve these things. You can do these things.
You can do all of this. How do I know? I know because if I was able to do this all alone with all of my horrible experiences, so can you.
You have the power to be at peace now regardless of what has happened. You have the power to move forward in your life. You have the power to no longer be victim, but to be powerful.
If you are going through an experience now — its okay to take time to heal. Console yourself. Feel empathy and compassion for yourself. You need to. Love yourself.
Healing after these experiences is not easy. There is a lot of crying, doubts, questions, fears, and other uncomfortable emotions and steps that need to be taken. But, you owe it to yourself to heal and to move forward. You deserve it — just like I did.
If you need help, as I always say, I am here for you. I know what it is like to lose everything, to be a victim, to be alone, to be afraid, and to feel like giving up. But, I also know what it is like to heal all of that and to finally learn to feel as if life is a gift and that I am worthy of an amazing life.